It's been a while...

Hello all,

So I know I havn't posted in a while. Exams have just passed so I've been very busy. my anxiety was extremely high and I hada few break downs along the way. But I am done with semester 1 now and I am very happy! I am hoping semster 2 will be better then 1. I am currently fighting a cold. i just took some Nyquil and put on a nasal strip so I should be getting very sleepy soon. Tomorrow I finally get to see Nic. I havn't got to see him all weekend because he has two exams tomorrow so he needed to study. I've been missing him but I did have a fun weekend I went shopping with my mom on saturday and my cousin and uncle came over tonight for dinner, it was good to see them. I love hangingout with my cousin and uncle. I am going to go to bed now and try to feel better by tomorrow for when I see Nic. Good Night!

Toria <3

P.S. I have started a blog as a review for Lush products. So if any of you are fans please check it out.
lushproductreviews.blogspot.com

Blood Donation

So on Wednesday I went and donated blood. I was sooooooooo freaking nervous. I mean i felt like i was going to puke i was shaky the whole bit so I was actually having my dobts that I would actually go through with it. I sat and waited and when it was my turn I got in the chair and my boyfriend sat next to me and held my hand and it did hurt a bit when the needle went in and then as they started to take my blood my fingers startes to feel tingly and so they had me squeze a stress ball and my fingers felt fine again and then after about a minute and a half the girl who was taking my blood said "you're about half way through" and I was surprised! Because they told me that it could take any where from 5 to 10 minutes plus another 5 minutes of pressure on the site of the needle. and I took about 3 or 4 minutes and then the added 5 minutes of pressure. Then I had a juice and a cookie and got in the car. When I got home and started to eat my dinner I started to feel full really fast and I started to feel REALLY tired. My dad said well let me get your cake and you can blow out the candels and then you can go to bed. So i layed down on the couch and waited for them to get the cake and sure enough I fell asleep......hahahahaha! so they woke me up and I blew out the candles and then I said thank you and headed up stairs to go to bed and I slept really well. They had told me at the donnor clinic that I might feel tired for 2 to 3 days and man have I ever apperantly it is rare to feel tired for more than the first night but I was very tired and still am but it should go away by tomorrow. Tonight I am going to see my doctor at 5:30 and then going to my boyfriend's house for my birthday dinner that they are giving me. Then tomorrow I have work in the morning and then I am most likely babysitting! I am very excited! I babysit 2 year old twins and they're older brother, the brother is a bit of a handfull so luckily my boyfriend and I are just watching the girls! I have missed them sooooo much lately so I am very happy I might get to go see them. I will leave it there I will post again soon. Have a good weekend all!

Toria <3

Birthday, blood donation and school

Hello everyone,

So today is my birthday and it is actually an exact anniversary of the day I was born. Wednesday, January 19. So Happy 17th Birthday to me! I am actually staying pretty positive today. I am thinking about moose though (he is the pet that died on my birthday 2 years ago.) but I know I can't keep living my life based on who died on what day. I have to let myself be happy. I will probably cry at some point today but I won't let myself cry at school. I am just going to thank people for wishing me a happy birthday and get through my classes. Then at the end of the day I am going to go home eat and then go and donate my blood to the blood bank. I am officially old enough to donate! I am very excited because I think it important to help people in need even if I'll never know who I helped. I am also going to donate for my little sister's birthday as my gift to her (thats actually what she wants) I am soo proud of her! She is just like me.....which is scary in some sences because she happens to share my temper (i've had to stop her more than once from kicking someone ass) yep thats my sister. Everyone says we're the same and I'm sure that because We are only 15 months appart so we were babies together and we spent basically our whole lives together. So when some one tells me she has told a teacher off or something I can't help my smile because she is soo much like me and I couldn't be more proud. So on a different note I am currently at school. I usually work in a student success room (or 108 as we normally call it) but the princible shut it down for 1st period for some stupid study thing so I am stuck in the library. Which sucks because it is sooooo loud! In 108 it is usually quiet but in here, not even close so I am trying to stay calm and focused but the noise is driving me CRAZY! I hate when they close 108. But I was told that I will be able to be in there after lunch which is when my actual class is in there so it should be fine. If things get to bad in here noise wise I will just leave because I have a spare right now so I don't HAVE to be here. In about 30 or 40 minutes I will be going to my next class and we are just doing presentations so we don't have to do any actual work, which is good because it's my birthday and I don't really feel like working. So I'm gonna leave it at that. I will probably post tonight and let you know how my blood donation went.

Toria <3

Birthday Dinner Disaster

So Yesterday was my birthday dinner day, and I got up and went downstairs and was going to make breakfast and my sister started to just say all of these things to like put me down and whatever and I got really frustrated, so I was telling my mom and i was crying my eyes out and then my dad got into it and went to talk to my sister and she lied and said that I said all this shit that i never said so I was like wow wtf! and I calmed down after a bit and then my boyfriend came over and we went shopping and it was great! I love him soooo much and he is so great to me. Then we came home and watched some movies and cuddeled on the couch and then went and had dinner with my parents and sisters and my mom made my all time favorite cake it's brownie with penut butter and cream chesse in the middle.....OMG it is soooo good! I've had it the last couple of birthdays and I love it. So I am off to school soon and I have to give 2 presentations today but one is just with the teacher and the other i am working with my bf so we present together, so everything should go well. Then i'm done all my assignments and such except that I have to hand in one thing before exams but it's done so all i have to do is print it off. So YAY! On wednesday it is my actual birthday, I am turning 17 and I'm still having mixed feelings about it. I just don't know how I feel about it, and now I only have 2 days to get myself ready for it. UGH! First semester is almost over I have 2 exams and then I'm done. Next semester is going to be hard but I'm going to try my best. I don't think I have any classes with my bf though which sucks. I am not really looking forward to next semester but if it goes by as quickly as first did then it will be fine. Well I'm off to get ready for school.

Toria <3

TOTAL BREAKDOWN!

So on Friday night my boyfriend and I were talking and I can't remember how but I just started crying (oh and just a note when I have these breakdowns/panic attacks I usually have a hard time remembering what started it) so my bf was trying to calm me down and it took FOREVER! I felt soo bad that I put him through that. Then yesterday I had a good day and then it went bad kind of all of a sudden and then my bf and I came home and I had another break down! He sat with me and finally got me calm enough to make physical contact with me (another note when I'm having a break down/panic attack I really don't like to be touched. I really only like my back rubbed) So once he got me calmed down enough all I wanted was for him to hug me and he did and it was wonderfull. So today he is taking me out to do alittle shopping for my birthday, and i'm kinda excited....I kinda love shopping, but NOT clothes shopping that stresses me out. And after we get back we're having my birthday dinner with my family.....ugh! They're gonna sing happy birthday to me! NOOOOOOO!!!! I really don't like attention so my birthday is kinda my worst nightmare. So we'll see how it goes. I will post again either tonight or tomorrow morning. Goodbye all!

Toria <3

My session

So I went for my session with my counsuller. Things went well I was really not feeling well emotionaly so going to see her was good because it gave me a chance to let out my emotion in a safe way. I cried and that sucked but I felt soooo much better after. So I just talk about how this month is rough because I have a few sad anniversaries. I am slowly getting through the month. Tomorrow is my grandfather's birthday so it will be a hard day because he is no longer with us. I am also working that morning so I have to try and stay calm untill I can go home. I am having my birthday dinner on sunday and my actual birthday is on wednesday but I don't even want to celebrate it because it's the day one of my pets died. I actually found him dead when i woke up.....yeah happy birthday me! FUCK! I hate thinking about having to aknowledge my birthday. I wish I could just forget when I was born. So I have my doctors appointment next friday so I can finally figure out what the hell is going on!

Toria <3

My body is killing me!

I feel like my body has turned against me! I don't know what to do. My dad is making an appointment with my doctor for me because I am getting abscesses alot......Those started when I got one on the back of my leg over the summer and it was bad and after that I kept getting them and they are really bothering me I am just getting over one on my hip and it's healing. Another reason why I'm going is my muscle twiches are coming back, and they are worse. Everytime I try to fall asleep my legs start to twich and I had these for a while and they went away for the longest time and now they're coming back even sitting here typing this my legs are twiching I am sitting in class right now and my legs are moving. I have when they do that because I don't want everyone to know that I have this and it's kinda noticable....ugh! I wish I could just hide in my room. and the final reason I am going is the worst! I used to have foot cramps and for anyone who has never had them, they are awful! They hurt soooooo much I used to get them all the time and they stoped for sooo long and I was sooo happy and last week or two weeks ago I got one and it was too too bad but it hurt but yesterday I had one that last almost 30 minutes and I had three in a row within that time. When my foot would start to relax and I thought it was over it would start again and i did that twice I had 3 foot cramps in a row I am pretty sure that is that most I've ever had. I am soooo tried of the way my body is acting! I am hopefully going to get in to see the doctor soon but you never know if they have a ton of appointments already booked. Today I have an appointment with my counsuller and I havn't seen her in a while so I think it would be good to have a session with her. I usually go once every 2 weeks but over christmas i got busy and then she went on vacation so I havn't seen her in about a month, ok just a note my legs are STILL twiching! and When I told my dad how it was affecting my sleep he had me take half a dose of nyquill to help me sleep i use that because when I take it it puts me right to sleep but the shitty part is that it makes me really fuzzy the next day and I have a hard time focusing but I am managing right now so hopefully I will wake up a but more during the day. I am going to my boyfriends after my appointment this afternoon and then coming home and getting some sleep....maybe. I just need rest and for my body to quit messing with me, I am really feeling like I have no control and that scares me, I mean I can deal with not having control over some stuff but MY OWN BODY! I think that something I should have some control over and right now I don't. So I'll end my post there and update tomorrow and talk about my session and then again after my doctors appointment whenever that will be. Hope everyone else is doing well.

Toria <3

It's been 4 days

So I made it through my first week back at school. My weekend was good, saturday I didn't really get anything done but sunday was very productive! My boyfriend and I got 3 and a half projects done between the two of us. Which is great! I really needed to get stuff done because I have not been work on anything......at all! So sunday was great! I have to go and do my Dog walking job today and then over to the bf's to work on some more stuff. I am a little upset right now though because I was going to sleep in this morning since I don't have a period 1 class but I woke up at 5:20....so much for sleeping in but thats the story of my life. So I am just going to shower and relax till 9:20 then off to school. UGH SCHOOL!

Toria <3

Today was.....alright.

Today actually went alright. I had ANOTHER fight with my dad. Then i went to school and Nic kept my mind off of what today was. I do miss my grandfather but I know he wouldn't want me to be down all day. I hope that i can do that for the next two weeks also because I have 2 more bad days. one next week and one the week after that. I spent alot of time with my boyfriend tonight which was nice. We are very suspisious that his little brother may have a girlfriend.......mwahahaha. We are gonna investigate! When we find anything out I'll be sure to post. Tomorrow is Friday, Thank goodness! I am sooo ready for the weekend! But I have to work and get projects done....ugh never mind the weekend is gonna suck! I am going to try and start a workout regiment soon. My boyfriend and I are really wanting to get into shape.....I mean we're not fat but we just don't excersise as much as we should. I will also post about that once it gets going.

Toria <3

Missing my Grandfather......alot

Today is the two year aniversary of my grandfather's death. I don't feel ready for today. I don't feel ready for it to have been 2 years since I've seen my grandfather, since I held his hand and told him I loved him. I wish I could go back and see him one more time. I wish that sooo much. I think today is going to be hard. My boyfriend knows what today is and he is going to be looking out for me. I just wish I could stay in bed all day and not have to be around anyone. I could just lay in bed and cry and miss my grandfather. I know that he would want me to just move on, but how can I? I lost so many love ones two years ago so there are alot of aniversarys and there will be a one year aniversary this year also. I will post again tonight.....maybe to see how my day went.

Toria </3

FUCK MY LIFE!

Fuck this! I'm having a bad day and it's oly 9am. I just got into a fight with my dad and sister and I am soo angry! This is the second day that he's upset me before I had to go to school. I don't even want to go now but I don't want to be around him so going to school upset is better than being stuck in the house with him all day. I love my family but I'm just sick of the way things work around here. Any time I try to say what I'm feeling I get fucking yelled at! WTF! I am sooo done with this shit! I'm leaving for school soon and I don't know if I'll be coming back to the house untill late tonight. And if I do come home after school I'll be in my room all night! Thats where I spend most of my nights because it's too hard to be anywhere near people. So thanks to my dad and sister i am now very upset my anxiety is through the roof and i feel sick.....good job guys!

Toria </3

Back to school...

So yesterday was the first day back to school, and things didn't go well. I woke up feeling sick and then got in a HUGE fight with my dad. So when I finally got to school I was trying to keep from crying and I met up with my boyfriend and he started asking me what was wrong and I told him and I finally got myself calmed down and managed to make it untill lunch. Then my loving boyfriend was just like "ok you need to go home." and I finally gave in and went home to rest. I'm still feeling a little sick today but I really need to be at school and get things done so I'll be leaving for school around 9 (i don't have a first morning class). Then going to my dog walking job and coming home to get some work done. I'll post again soon.

Toria <3

Christmas Break is over! :(

I am very sad to say that my christmas break is over and tomorrow morning I have to go back to school. Christmas break was great and I wish it could go on for a loooooooong time. So I am going to bed soon then up early and off to school. I am going to have make an appointment with my doctor soon. I used to have twitches for all parts of my body and they were frequent and kinda violent and for a long time they when away, and now they're back....ugh! they are mainly in my legs and they happen alot when I'm trying to fall asleep....go figure. So my dad is going to ask my doctor about it next time he goes in which will be either this week or next week. I also have a family therapy meeting  on tuesday and hopfully my older sister will actually come with us this time. But I'm actually not sure how I feel about her coming. I guess we'll see. Hope everyone had a great holiday.

Toria <3

Forgot to post again....my bad

HAPPY NEW YEAR! It's 2011! I spent new years eve with my boyfriend and his family and some friends. It was sooooo much fun! My anxiety has been really good lately, I am very happy about that. I feel really happy and calm. I hope it stays this way. This year I am doing a photo project where I take a picture of myself everyday for the whole year then I put them all together in a video thing. It should be fun. Tomorrow I'm going to my boyfriends and hanging out with him and his brother for a while then he and I are going back to my house for dinner with my uncle and cousin that I havn't seen in a long time. It'll be nice to see them again. I think thats all for this post. Happy New Year! All the best wishes for 2011!

Toria <3