3 days no posts.....whoops

Ok so I forgot to post for 3 days.....opps. So the party with my boyfriend's family went well. It was pretty fun. His family is pretty crazy, but very nice. So then the next day I slept in till almost ten which is very rare. Then he came over and we hungout then yesterday we went out to lunch and a movie. Today I'm not sure whats going on, we're going to try and plan out New years and possibly going to london in march to see his cousin! but thats also the week I have to get my wisdom teeth out so it should be interesting. Thats all for now.

Toria <3

UGH!

Sorry about the title it doesn't really explain what this post is about but thats just the best way I can describe how i'm feeling. So to start off why I'm feeling this way I will explain part of my last post. So last night we went to my Grandfathers for dinner and his girlfriend who lives with him was there obviously. And durring dinner she said something about women who like other women. I didn't quite catch it but it was something about "theres so many of them......(and then she said something in dutch that I think meant Dyke)" and I tooke extreme offense to this because I am Bisexual. There I said it. My family does not know about this. The only person who knows is my Boyfriend and he was soo supportive when I told him. But sadly he was not at the dinner last night so when I heard her say this I almost lost it. But I knew if I did that my parents would say that I need to calm down and it's just my anxiety acting up again and thats why i'm mad. I HATE WHEN THEY SAY THAT! yes sometime my anger is caused by my disorders but not ALL the time! So I told my bf when I got home and he just let me rant and then did his normal calming bf talk and I felt much better but I am still very angry about it. Closed minded people make me sooo mad! I have never come out to my family because of this exact kind of situation, they will say something about it being wrong or whatever. I think my parents might be okay with it but my older sister will probably critasise me and say i'm lying. So the only person who knows is the only person i want to know. Sadly thats just the way things are with my and my boyfriends family. He is wican and his grand mother and other people in his family are very religious and are sstrongly christain so he was never told her that he is wican if immediate family knows......his brother makes fun of it and his parents don't really care. I wish he would tell the rest of his family but I would be a hypacrite if i pushed him beacause i am doing the same thing but with a different secret. So theres my rant. Please leave comments and if you have any question I will answer all of them. I am off today to go to my bf's uncle and aunt's for dinner. So we'll see how that goes. Hope everyone is having a great holiday!

Christmas Time!

Hello,
I forgot to post yesterday. My bad. So today is Christmas! I got my violin that I wanted! I'm soo happy! I also dyed my hair again. Recently my claustrophobia has been really bad, tonigh while eating dinner at my Grandfather's i started to feel traped and panicy luckily my dad got up to go out and have a smoke so I had an accuse to leave the table. I told him how I was feeling and he took me for a little walk to let me calm down. Then after I got home and dyed my hair I called my Boyfriend and he told me that his family is planning on going to london over march break to visit his cousin and they want me to come! I'm very exicted I hope it works out but on the 14th of march which is when the break starts I have to get my wisdom teeth taken out so I will have to be cleared by my dentist before I get to go anywhere. We still have alot of planning to do before all of this happens so hopefully we can work everything out. I'll be off to bed soon and then tomorrow I'm going to my bf''s aunt and uncle's for dinner and I've never met them before so it will be interesting to see how I do with the situation of meeting new people and being in a different place and there will be other family there to so it might be a little crowded. Hopefully I will be ok and able to stay in the house as long as possible. MERRY CHRISTMAS ALL!

Toria <3

Introduction Continued

So after being diagnosed they wanted to put me on medication, and since i don't like to take any meds for anything it was a battle for them to get me to say yes i'll try and when I finally did it didn't last long. I would just hide the pills and throw them out later and my parents found out and we went back to the Dr. to disscuss things. She said we can't force you to take anything you don't want to take, but if you begin to have any thoughts of suicide i will have to intervien and put you in the hospital. So with that I just went on my way and started seeing her once a week. Then after a while she signed me up for CBT (Cognative Behavioural Therapy) I call it group. So I did the 8 week program and things got sooo much better. Now that group is done I have been managing alright but things have been difficult. Also recently I have discovered that when I was little I was molested. I used to have strange memories of it but I never paid attention then they started getting more and more frequent and I couldn't ignore them anymore. So I told my boyfriend and I just broke down, he was so sweet and caring about it he just sat with me and told me everything would be ok and that the guy would never hurt me again. I still struggle with flashback of that and other tramatic event I have had in my life and my boyfriend is always there to help me through them. I don't know if any of you have ever had a falsh back of something tramatic but they are awfull. You really feel like you're there sometimes. I will go into some of the events later on in the blog as they come up. So thats about it for the intro. I guess i'll go on with just how my day will be today. So my bf and his mom are going out this morning to finish some christmas shopping and then picking me up and we're extanging gifts at his house tonight. It should be fun! and before we exchange gift my bf and I will just spend some time together because we won't see eachother on Christmas :( but we will see each other boxing day on so it'll be fine. Is anyone else excited for Christmas? I know I am. Well i'll post again soon.

<3 Toria

First Post

This is my first post for my new blog. We should start with an introduction. You can call me toria, I am almost 17 and have had anxiety my entire life. I only really started to struggle with it 3 years ago. Since then my life had changed ALOT. I have developed depression and been officially diagnosed with two anxiety disorders. I have a social anxiety disorder (SAD) and a generalized anxiety disorder (GAD). My anxiety originally sufaced when I was born I had severe seperation anxiety from my mother, but sadly it was not diagnosed so when I started high school i started to have strange blackouts and my doctor thought i had epilepsy, so i had a few scans done and they found out i didn't have that and eventually when I started having major panic attacks they sent me to a counsuller who had a phyciatrist come in and do an assesment. She then decided that i needed to see my own phyciatrist and thats when I was diagnosed. This post is getting long so hopefully I will be posting every day and continuing with my struggle. Thanks for reading.

<3 Toria